Arizona Republican election ‘audit’ now testing ballots for ‘bamboo’ to see in the event that they got here from Asia

To overview, the Republican-held Arizona Senate ordered a weird non-public audit of the state’s 2020 presidential election outcomes after a big chunk of the Republican rank and file and occasion officers each merely refused to imagine that an unpopular twice-impeached incompetent blowhard accountable for a half million pandemic deaths might probably be rejected by the American voters, so there should have been “fraud” concerned. The Republican senators employed a web based conservative conspiracy theorist peddling these fraud theories to conduct the “audit” by his firm, Cyber Ninjas, which has completely zero expertise in any of this, and the outcomes have been a fountain of bumbling conspiracy-premised chaos.

A number of the chaos is mere ridiculousness, and subsequently humorous. A number of the chaos has referred to as into query the integrity of the ballots the conspiracy-promoting Republican volunteers are thumbing by, which is not humorous as a result of on the finish of this the ballots may have been completely spoiled, thus introducing the very “uncertainty” this conspiracy-promoting clown automotive of militant weirdos declare they’re trying to place to relaxation.

Among the not-funny fiascos introduced by the Chuck E. Cheese-inspired Cyber Ninjas Poll Ballpit since its late-April begin:

• Observers reported that the poll auditors had been utilizing black and blue-ink pens on the counting ground. These are banned, in actual recounts, as a result of they will clearly be used to change ballots and alter votes. Organizers needed to scramble to acquire the customary purple pens as a substitute.

• Each ballots and computer systems used within the audit process have been left unattended at occasions, elevating the chance that they might have been tampered with.

• There are not any mounted procedures for doing the counting. Ballots are being evaluated based on various requirements relying on which employees are doing it and when.

• Observers have warned of a attainable intermingling of counted and uncounted ballots, which might lead to ballots being counted a number of occasions or by no means.

• Cyber Ninjas declare that their strategies of counting ballots are a commerce secret, and thus has refused to reveal their procedures. A decide has declared that to be absolute bullshit, within the very actual and legally binding sense, and ordered them to provide it.

Because of these court docket battles, we now know that whereas the non-public auditing staff had no obvious requirements for evaluating how the ballots ought to really be counted, as soon as they obtained to the precise counting half, they did spend appreciable time gaming out what can be performed if antifa attacked the Veterans Memorial Coliseum in an attempt to ruin their counting efforts.

If we’re being trustworthy with ourselves, the vibes coming off from this factor have already got a heavy aura of “any person goes to finish up in jail by the tip of this, and it isn’t going to be antifa.”

Precise non-seditionist authorities are, after two weeks of this bumbling, now paying shut consideration. The doubtless legal incompetence in how Arizona voters’ official ballots are being dealt with has resulted within the Arizona secretary of state, a Democrat, penning a six-page letter asking the Senate’s appointed “Audit Liaison” what they intend to do to rein on this clown present, solely to be quickly rebuffed by clown administration.

Extra ominously for the audit’s backers, the Department of Justice is now warning the Arizona Senate that its audit seems to be breaking federal legal guidelines. Federal legislation requires ballots to be saved in command of state elections officers for 22 months after an election; delivering the ballots to a group of personal cranks might not rely as preserving “management” of them. The Justice Division can be warning about Cyber Ninja’s plan to contact particular person voters to ask them about their ballots, which might quantity to “intimidating” these voters—particularly if the non-public firm seems to focus on minority voters with such calls.

Provided that a lot of the Republican-backed hoax theories as to how the election was “stolen” from Trump are particularly premised on supposed plots by Black Individuals, Hispanic Individuals or “China,” the Justice Division would not need to go far with its hypothesis that Cyber Ninjas might spotlight nonwhite-sounding names for these further poll checks.

Already, then, we now have at the very least one positive end result of this Republican-ordered, propaganda-premised audit: These Arizona ballots won’t ever be capable of be recounted once more, as a result of chain-of-custody considerations and incompetent poll dealing with has resulted in ample alternatives for simply the form of crooked poll tampering the auditors declare they themselves are on the lookout for. Whether or not that’s by plan or solely aspect impact isn’t absolutely obvious. Whether or not any of it’s going to transform legal can be unclear.

In any case, this really is a poll “audit” not like any government-conducted election audit in trendy U.S. historical past. In change for spoiling each presidential poll in Arizona, what crack instruments are being delivered to bear by the employed staff now “checking” the ballots for proof of conspiracy?

• Holding them as much as UV mild. That is, um, by no means really performed in actual audits, however is ostensibly being utilized by this staff to verify for fingerprints on every poll, with some theorists speculating that all the ballots on which such traces of bodily fluids will not be readily obvious might have been mass-produced by robotic and dumped into the poll stream “one way or the other.”

• Wanting beneath microscopes to find out the way wherein they had been folded, in the event that they had been folded. This one’s a stumper, however apparently hand-folded and machine folded ballots would look totally different, beneath a microscope, enabling the crack Ninja staff of “whoever we might discover” to kind them into human piles and robotic shenanigans piles.

• In search of bamboo fibers within the ballots.

No, actually. I’m not f–king making that up.

In an interview, volunteer observer John Brakey explained that one piece of apparatus is supposed to take high-definition photos of the ballots to check for “bamboo within the paper.” It is because there is an insurrection-backing conspiracy idea that supposes “that 40,000 ballots had been flown into Arizona and stuffed into the field, okay, and that it got here from” Asia. Clearly, the best way to check this idea is to look rigorously to see if any of the ballots have “bamboo” in them. Or pandas. Or fragments of communist literature. Largely the bamboo, although.


So after the ballots are examined for Suspicious Asian Bamboo, what exams are subsequent? Do the auditors then check the ballots for werewolfism? Do they put every poll beneath vibrant lights and ask the poll a collection of math questions? The Senate Republican audit of Donald Trump’s election loss seems, actually, to be a carte blanche technique of poking on the ballots to check any and all conspiracy theories any nameless brickhead on the planet ever tweeted out within the final six months.

The premise of the audit, at the very least based on the Republican sedition-backers justifying it, is that if this assortment of incompetent, inexperienced yahoos can discover no bamboo fibers or robotic sperm on the ballots even after a complete regime of no matter, it’s going to reinstall “confidence” within the election that they’ve lied about since final November. A extra possible state of affairs may be that the Cyber Ninjas assortment of Some Guys will file a report declaring that they nonetheless imagine trickery was afoot, however the plot between Communist China and horny robots was merely to difficult to unravel within the restricted time obtainable.

That argument is already being subject examined. The poll free-for-all is scheduled to finish on Might 14th, as a result of the Veterans Memorial Coliseum has been booked subsequent for the Phoenix Union Excessive Faculty District’s commencement ceremonies. As a result of the counting thus far has been (say it with me now) an incompetent, bumbling fiasco, the conspiracy team is already trying to weasel out of that deadline by proposing that, like, what if we simply transfer the ballots into another room so the excessive schoolers can graduate, then transfer them again.

It would by no means finish. Conspiracy theories by design by no means have an finish date to them; if the conspiracy can’t be confirmed to exist, say its promotors, that solely proves that the conspiracy is much more wide-ranging and nefarious than anybody had anticipated. They’ll demand one other recount, and a recount to be performed by another group, and a recount of that different group’s recount, and it’ll not finish as a result of the Republican Get together has declared that the election was “fraudulent” not primarily based on any proof in any respect, however just because they didn’t win. It’s a fascist propaganda marketing campaign, and one which Donald Trump and his staff of deplorables brazenly said they might be selling if Trump misplaced the election. He did. They did. It resulted in revolt contained in the U.S. Capitol, a barrage of recent voting restrictions premised on ex-presidential delusions, and an Arizona Republican transfer to throw the counting of ballots to the very folks selling the hoaxes.

The Arizona Senate will merely declare that the outcomes are no matter they needed to be, very like William Barr introduced that Robert Mueller’s conclusions had been no matter William Barr stated they had been. The propaganda is the technique; the objective is to stoke the notion that elections not received by the Republican Get together are illegitimate, and that new means should exist for throwing out these election outcomes when Republican lawmakers don’t love them. It’s a fascist motion; the revolt remains to be occurring.

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