Late Night time Snark: The SCOTUS Empire Strikes Again Version
“It appears very seemingly that Roe v. Wade will quickly be overturned. The reality is, that is the end result of a 50-year plan for the conservative motion to reshape the courts for this very objective. Say what you need about it, however you gotta admit the conservative motion is simply that devoted to defending life. I imply, not defending life from coronavirus. Or faculty shootings. Or lack of well being care. Or local weather change. Or poverty. Or homelessness. Or…”
“The White Home revealed their decorations for the vacation season. First Girl Jill Biden mentioned the White Home Christmas theme this 12 months is Presents From the Coronary heart. It is a vital departure from former First Girl Melania Trump’s theme, which was Useless on the Inside.”
You at the moment are beneath the fold. That is the place issues get actually mediocre.
“The World Well being Group designated a brand new variant of concern, and gave it the not-at-all sinister title ‘The Omicron Variant.’ It sounds just like the title of a Robert Ludlum novel, however omicron is actually the 15th letter within the Greek alphabet. The WHO selected to skip just a few, as a result of “nu” is simply too simply confused with “new,” and so they declare “xi” was not used as a result of it is a widespread final title. However everyone knows it is the surname of Chinese language president Xi Jinping. And you may’t piss off world leaders. They discovered that the exhausting method after being sued within the 1890s by Belgian premier Henri Chlamydia.”
“President Biden held a press convention and advised People that the brand new variant is trigger for concern, not a trigger for panic. And People have been like, effectively in that case we’ll simply purchase ten pallets of bathroom paper as an alternative of twelve.”
You realize who’s actually upset at this time? The makers of New Variant beer.
—Conan O’Brien on Twitter
“Republican congressman Jim Jordan revealed in a brand new interview that he had the coronavirus over the summer season and refused to say whether or not he is acquired the vaccine. Nicely, ‘refused to say’ is a reasonably large clue. Nobody refuses to say after they do the correct factor. ‘Did you pull all of these kids out of that burning constructing, sir?’ ‘I might reasonably not say. Rescuing kids is a private determination.'”
And one 12 months in the past:
“Legal professional common William Barr simply introduced that he has not uncovered any proof of widespread voter fraud that may change the result of the 2020 presidential election. It is so bizarre that they didn’t discover proof of the very factor they by no means backed up with any proof.”
And now, our function presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 3, 2021
Word: As of this weekend chances are you’ll now formally begin strolling in a winter wonderland. Put on sturdy footwear, at all times move slower walkers on the left, and be careful for Parson Brown and his “grabby fingers.” —Dept. of Public Security
By the Numbers:
Days ’til 2022: 29
Days ’til The Book of Boba Fett drops at Disney+: 26
Date the primary U.S. case—in California—of the covid Omicron variant was introduced: 12/1/21
Variety of energetic medical residents in, respectively, 2020 and 2021, in line with the AAMC: 140Okay, 145Okay
Minimal variety of witnesses who’ve testified to this point earlier than the Home Jan. 6 choose committee: 250
% of inside designers who say their enterprise grew in the course of the covid pandemic, in line with Enterprise of Residence: 90%
% of Mainers over 5 now absolutely vaccinated: 72%
Pet Pic of the Day: C&J’s rescue lab-mix watchdog Haley…on the job
CHEERS to Spherical 2. It is official. Down Georgia-way, voter registration titan Stacey Abrams is running for governor…
…with a pledge to battle for financial equality and develop well being care entry, organising a possible rematch towards Republican Gov. Brian Kemp in one of many nation’s best political battlegrounds.
The Democrat introduced her marketing campaign with a video that highlighted her work within the state since her slim 2018 defeat to Kemp, together with a message that “alternative and success in Georgia shouldn’t be decided by your ZIP code, background or entry to energy.”
Her determination, lengthy anticipated by native Democrats, clears the best way for what could possibly be a titanic showdown between two longtime political rivals.
Very thrilling. In truth, I don’t know who’s extra thrilled about it: Democrats for having a candidate who can win the election, or Republicans for having a voting regulation that may overturn it. Watch this area.
CHEERS to candy victory. Talking of elections, on Sunday’s date in 1792, George Washington received his reelection. It was a brutal marketing campaign. His challenger was an actual jerk named…um…George Washington. Watching him debate himself was truly just a little creepy:
”Thou can’st sticketh a rubber—or rubber-like, relying upon the seasonal availability of supplies—hose uppeth thy snooty Virginia nostril.”
“Thy spouse weareth the boots of a paymaster within the Continental Military!”
“Okay, okay…thou hast me there, I concedeth the purpose.”
“Then bullocks to you, I win!”
Did I point out he owned his personal distillery?
CHEERS to the least-loved sport present in America. Welcome to Wheel of Wreckage! The thrilling matters on at this time’s wheel are: “Omicron Set To Destroy Fragile U.S. Covid Restoration,” “Supreme Courtroom Set To Destroy Girls’s Management Of Their Personal Our bodies,” “Local weather Change Set To Destroy All Hope For All Future Generations,” “Republicans Set To Destroy American Democracy,” “Russia Set To Ignite World Warfare III,” and “Media Set To Destroy Objectivity With Bothsiderism.” Let’s give the wheel a very good, strong spin. No matter area it lands on would be the topic of a five-thousand phrase essay by me that’s so darkish and foreboding it will make you shit the place you sit. Right here we go…
CLACKA CLACKA CLACKA CLACKA CLACKA Clackackackacka Clack…Clack……
Oh expensive. The Wheel of Wreckage exploded. Now we’ll should haul our backup, the Wheel of Puppies, Unicorns, and Rainbows, out of storage. Nice. Goodbye, weekend naps.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to new discoveries. 25 years in the past this week—ah, 1996, these golden Clinton years—throughout its Pathfinder mission NASA despatched a six-wheeled rover referred to as Sojourner to roam the floor of one other planet and collect rocks. Moments after touchdown, the area company received a name from Newt Gingrich asking them to please come get it off his head.
CHEERS to residence vegetation. Keep in mind the times when the TV needed to “heat up” for like 60 seconds or extra earlier than it will even consider providing you with an image, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good instances.
For information junkies, the weekend begins tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell making sense out of chaos on MSNBC. Tonight at 11, Will Smith and Lin-Manuel Miranda are company on The Graham Norton Present (BBC America). The most well-liked residence movies, new and previous, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. SNL is a rerun with host Rami Malek and musical visitor Skilled Labradoodle, however not earlier than NBC’s annual airing of It’s A Great Life tomorrow evening beginning at 8.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a narrative on former NSA contractor Actuality Winner and why she leaked categorized paperwork to the media associated to Russia’s cyberwarfare on the 2016 elections, and a profile of Gucci artistic director Alessandro Michele. The Simpsons, an encore of A Springfield Summer time Christmas for Christmas, after which you’ll be able to catch LL Cool J internet hosting the Nationwide Christmas Tree lighting particular on CBS.
Now this is your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: President of Moderna Dr. Stephen Hodge
CNN’s State of the Union: Doc Fauci; Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN); Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); Gov. Tate Reeves (CULT-MS).
Face the Nation: Surgeon Normal Vivek Murthy; Gov. Ned Lamont (D-CT); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead Dr. Maria Van Kerkhove; Illumina CEO Francis DeSouza on Covid-19 mutation surveillance and sequencing.
Meet the Press: Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Mike Braun (CULT-IN); NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins.
Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Surgeon Normal Vivek Murthy; House Pressure (the true one, not the hilarious Netflix comedy collection starring Steve Carell) Vice Chief of House Operations Normal David Thompson; Sen. Joni Ernst (CULT-IA); former Beneath Secretary of Protection for Coverage Michèle Flournoy.
Completely satisfied viewing!
Ten years in the past in C&J: December 3, 2011
JEERS to larger time wasters than Indignant Birds. My headline for Saturday’s main announcement: Cain Bails, Atlas Shrugs. Sure, Herman Cain, who provided completely nothing however platitudes for the gullible, and facepalms for the remainder of us, bowed out of the GOP presidential race. This little bit of departing knowledge rivals Sarah Palin’s “Solely useless fish glide” because the silliest line by a cut-and-runner:
“We are going to transfer the shining metropolis on the hill again to the hilltop.”
How inconsequential was Cain’s departure, seeing as everybody knew from Day 1 that he was not going to be the final man standing? Let me put it this manner: MSNBC gave Chris Hayes roughly Three minutes for evaluation, after which they promptly returned to their jail documentaries. However I do really feel some disappointment after watching Cain shuffle off to spend extra time together with his household’s sofa. Primarily as a result of he promised he’d be again. [12/3/21 Update: The only shuffling Cain did after leaving his campaign was shuffling off his mortal coil in 2020 after being murdered with Covid-19 by the Republican President of the United States. He won’t be back.]
And only one extra…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time the shit will get too deep right here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA’s website to see if our new House Pressure is conquering each ball of fuel and rock within the recognized galaxy. Sorry to say the reply is “not but,” so we’ll simply should spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming of demise stars and cloaked Klingon vessels. This month’s main celestial occasions embrace some cool comet motion and the moon visiting our neighbors. Here is NASA’s Preston Dyches with a preview:
Preston forgot to say one other main December area occasion: Boba Fett lands on Tatooine and claims Jabba the Hutt’s throne on the 29th. No biggie. All of us make errors. However I nonetheless need that man fired.
Have an amazing weekend. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at this time?