Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Pictures in Arms FRIDAY!!!

Late Night time Snark: Final Weekend of August Already? Version

“This is some excellent news: the FDA granted full approval to Pfizer’s Covid vaccine. However the vaccine isn’t the one factor holding the FDA busy. They lately needed to inform individuals to not deal with Covid with a drug that is given to animals with worms. They tweeted: ‘You aren’t a horse. You aren’t a cow. Severely, y’all. Cease it.’  In the meantime the individuals taking it are like, ‘Chuckle all you need, however I don’t have Covid and the worms are virtually gone.”
—Jimmy Fallon

“The president of the Arizona Senate introduced yesterday that the outcomes of the state’s Republican-led audit of the 2020 election can be delayed after a number of executives from the third-party firm Cyber Ninjas contracted the coronavirus. Man, at this charge we’ll by no means get to seek out out what didn’t truly occur.”
—Seth Meyers


You are actually under the fold, aka the 10th Circle of Hell. However since we’re speaking a couple of visitors circle in Hell, Michigan, you need to be superb so long as you don’t eat the salmon mousse. 

“Socialism Alert! Greg Abbott received COVID and now desires to unfold it round to everybody.”
—Trevor Noah

Anti-vaxxer being interviewed by Jordan Klepper: I can not go to the fitness center. It appears like a dictatorship. Like we’re residing in Nazi Germany and the one issues which are lacking are the camps and the fuel.

Jordan Klepper: Do you suppose that is what it was like in Nazi Germany? Folks had been bitching about not going to the fitness center?
The Each day Present

“Hey are you able to sum up 2021 in a tweet?” The tweet:

— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) August 23, 2021

Nice—my horse has worms and the pharmacy is out of all the things besides COVID vaccines.
—Conan O’Brien on Twitter 

“Rule #1: You must by no means have  extra drinks than there are flight attendants on the aircraft.

Rule #2: Preserve your carry-on baggage within the overhead compartment—and your emotional baggage to your rattling self.”

Rule #3: When you don’t personal the aircraft, you don’t make the principles. So put your masks on, watch The Boss Child, and shut the fuck up, bitch.”
Jimmy Kimmel Reside visitor host Ru Paul’s “Guidelines for the Unruly”

Preach it, Ru. And now, our function presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 27, 2021

Word: Cheers and Jeers can be closing briefly at midday tomorrow so we are able to explode a small-“ish” nuclear machine within the kiddie pool with the hope of constructing the algae go away.  If in case you have errands to do in a neighboring county, that may be a great time to do them. Don’t neglect your masks.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

15 days!!!

Weeks ’til the beginning of the Labor Day Weekend: 1

Days ’til the Hampton Beach Seafood Festival in New Hampshire: 15

Issue by which unvaccinated persons are extra more likely to find yourself within the hospital with Covid-19 than vaccinated individuals: 29x

% of all eligible individuals age 12 and older in Maine who, as of Wednesday, had obtained at the least one dose of a Covid-19 vaccine: 80%

% of Democratic and Republican Floridians, respectively, polled by Quinnipiac College who considerlocal weather change goes to have a big unfavourable impact on Florida in my lifetime”: 83%, 17%

Help and opposition, respectively, for the Democratic $3.5 trillion New Deal II invoice now working its approach via Congress, in keeping with Suffolk College/USA Immediately polling: 52%, 39%

Variety of days earlier than an earthquake occurs {that a} snake can sense it from 75 miles away: 5

Hurricane Ida Timing

Pet Pic of the Day: Been awhile since we featured a contemporary pic of C&J’s rescue lab-mix Haley (who turns 9 in a number of months), so right here she is cooling off within the wilds of Portland this week…

Haley says glad Nationwide Canine Day. She additionally says “Zzzzzzzzz…”

— Invoice Harnsberger (@BillinPortland) August 26, 2021

JEERS to crazy comparisons. Sure, the terrorist attack on the Kabul airport was terrible. We have not seen one thing like that because it occurred each rattling day within the half a dozen years instantly following George W. Bush’s invasions of each Afghanistan and Iraq, and we had been all informed to disregard them, buy groceries, and slap a much bigger “Help The Troops” magnet on the again of our Hummers. So, yeah, sadly we misplaced a few of our remaining troops who’re facilitating the biggest and most harmful human airlift in recorded historical past. However c’mon, NBC Information…that is simply dumb: 

NBC Information reporter final night time: Lester, there have been extra troops killed in Afghanistan as we speak than all of final 12 months mixed.

Yeah, thanks, reporter. However there weren’t extra troops killed in Afghanistan yesterday than all of 2002 mixed, 2003 mixed, 2004 mixed, 2005 mixed, 2006 mixed, 2007 mixed, 2008 mixed, 2009 mixed, 2010 mixed, 2011 mixed, 2012 mixed, 2013 mixed, 2014 mixed, 2015 mixed, 2017 mixed, 2018 mixed, and 2019 mixed. So perhaps cease with the silly, pointless comparisons and go do one thing extra helpful. Like procuring?

CHEERS to order within the courts. It brings me no small pleasure to announce that it was a really unhealthy week for the Trump cult. Not solely did the Home’s bipartisan January sixth committee demand a slew of documents associated to the tried coup that might show to be damning and enlightening in equal measure, however the courts had been additionally busy throwing the ebook at a few of his skuzziest lieutenants. In no specific order…

»  U.S. District Decide Linda Parker of Michigan took lawyers Sidney Powell, Lin Wood, and other members of the so-called “kraken” legal team behind the woodshed for “historic and profound abuse of the judicial course of” within the wake of their ridiculous, lie-filled lawsuits claiming the 2020 election was stolen. Decide parker’s ruling additionally means they’re now extra weak to disbarment by particular person states.

The jails certain are busy processing admission papers for the cultists as of late. 

» Keep in mind final 12 months’s plot by a gaggle of Michigan goobers to kidnap and assassinate Governor Gretchen Whitmer as a result of she dared to make use of science to cope with the Covid pandemic? Solely one in all them pled responsible, and he was simply sentenced to 75 months behind bars. He says he is actual sorry, desires to de-program himself from the cult, after which assist others see the error of their red-hatted methods. I’ll consider it after I see it.

» I am going to by no means perceive how the members of the Proud Boys terrorist group get to proceed roaming wherever they need, proudly displaying their colours and their hate. However at the least their leader will be off the streets for five months. Henry Schicklgruber (I assume that is his final identify) was sentenced to 5 months behind bars for burning a BLM banner and possession of a high-capacity firearm journal. His dad and mom have to be so…proud.

» Because of a unanimous ruling by the FCC (and so they by no means rule unanimously), disinformation slingers Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman owe $5.1 million in fines for working an unlawful robocall rip-off that focused Black voters in a number of states. In addition they nonetheless face legal costs in a number of states. Their goose is cooked. 

And in Pennsylvania a woman cultist simply got sentenced to a year in prison for yelling in a grocery store that she had Covid after which spitting on produce. Now if we might simply nab the earlier president for shitting on America.

CHEERS to the Arm-Tornado-in-Chief.  Completely satisfied 113th birthday to #36, Lyndon Baines Johnson.  What a schizophrenic presidency—stellar marks for civil rights and the Nice Society packages, however whole fail for the quagmire in Southeast Asia.  In actual fact, his tumultuous time on the high overshadows his dozen years within the Senate, the place his persona and management type had been encapsulated on the 1958 Gridiron Dinner by fellow Senator John F. Kennedy:

“I dreamed about 1960 myself the opposite night time and I informed [Sens.] Stuart Symington and Lyndon Johnson about it within the cloakroom yesterday.

LBJ settin’ a spell with JFK.

I informed them how the Lord got here into my bed room, anointed my head, and stated, ‘John Kennedy, I hereby appoint you President of the United States.’

Stuart Symington stated, ‘That is unusual, Jack, as a result of I too had the same dream final night time wherein the Lord anointed me and declared me, Stuart Symington, President of america and Outer Area.’

Lyndon Johnson stated, ‘That is very fascinating, gents, as a result of I too had the same dream final night time and I do not bear in mind anointing both of you.'”

—From One-Night time Stands with American Historical past by Richard Shenkman and Kurt Reiger

As his press secretary George Reedy wrote: “Of all his qualities…an important was that he knew the right way to make our type of authorities work.  That’s an artwork that has been misplaced since his passing and we’re struggling closely because of this.”  Sadly, I additionally don’t suppose we’ll see one other president excel like LBJ did on the artwork of ordering Haggar slacks from the Oval Workplace with extra room “down where your nuts hang.”  Time marches on.


Upgraded tic tac toe.

— Banana for scale 🍌📏 (@scale_banana) June 18, 2021


CHEERS to bubblin’ crude.  Oil, that’s.  Black gold…Titusville tea.  My, how time flies while you’re polluting the planet.  162 years in the past as we speak, in 1859, “Colonel” Edwin Drake’s newfangled drilling method (ramming a pipe within the floor so the opening would not clog) paid off when his worker, “Uncle Billy” Smith, struck oil 69 feet down in a spot close to Titusville, Pennsylvania.  And some years later photo voltaic and wind energy utterly changed it because the world’s major power supply and everybody lived fortunately ever after with tons of intercourse, booze, fistfuls of thousand-dollar payments, common well being care and — [POOF!!!] — effectively, that was a enjoyable dream whereas it lasted.

CHEERS to residence vegetation. Listed here are a number of the TV highlights for the weekend. Oops, I suppose I ought to’ve checked first earlier than I wrote that, as a result of there are not any TV highlights for the weekend. Nicely, that is not completely true, I suppose. You’ll be able to take a look at the brand new residence movies  here at Rotten Tomatoes. The baseball schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here. The Little League World Sequence wraps up tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on ABC. When you missed the 60 Minutes report on all of the UFOs that hold coming all the way down to attempt to promote us time period life insurance coverage and vacuum cleaners, you possibly can catch an encore Sunday night. Aside from that, we suggest you shut all the things off and go discover a cozy hammock. Now here is your Sunday morning lineup, such that it’s:

Meet the Press: TBA

The pundit dialogue goes to be intense Sunday morning on Face the Kittens.

CNN’s State of the UnionTBA

Face the Nation: U.S. Principal Deputy Director of Nationwide Intelligence Sue Gordon; Sen. Lindsey Graham (CULT-SC); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; 

This Week: Adjunct Senior Fellow on the Council on Overseas Relations Gayle Tzemach; Sen. Ben Sasse (CULT-NE).

Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Mitch McConnell.

Completely satisfied viewing!

Ten years in the past in C&J: August 27, 2011

CHEERS to an acceptable response. Glenn Beck traveled to Jerusalem to thank the Jewish residents there for being so glad to sacrifice themselves in the course of the upcoming Rapture (now definitively scheduled to occur in October, in keeping with that outdated man who definitively predicted it could occur final Might) in order that Christians may very well be saved. Beck predicted that his “Let’s Spend the Shabbat Collectively” tour would carry out “tens of hundreds” of individuals. Humorous factor, although—apparently the Israelis have one thing referred to as “a life,” which doesn’t appear to contain watching a third-rate cable TV doomsayer prance round on stage honking his bamboozle horn. And so, although his estimate will little question quantity within the tens of millions, the inconvenient fact is that Beck bombed again. Not solely had been the crowds a lot smaller than predicted, however they had been made up, in keeping with the Israeli press, of “principally American Christians.” Why do I carry this up when there are such a lot of actual points threatening our civilization? As a sensible man as soon as stated: “Uhhh…huhhuhhuh…cuz it is humorous.”

And only one extra…

CHEERS to glad coincidences. Sadly, with John Lewis’s passing there are not any audio system from this milestone in American historical past nonetheless residing. So it’s bittersweet to notice that 58 years in the past tomorrow, on August 28, 1963, an intimate gathering of 200,000 individuals watched as Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his “I Have a Dream” speech (watch it here) from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial:

August 28, 1963

And 13 years in the past tomorrow night time Barack Obama echoed the phrases of King (amongst them: “The fierce urgency of now”) when he spoke to a packed stadium in Denver as the first African-American presidential nominee within the historical past of the universe:

…or this dimension.

This for me continues to be King’s cash quote, the distilled essence of what it means to pursue a “extra good union”:

“I’ve a dream my 4 little youngsters will at some point dwell in a nation the place they won’t be judged by the colour of their pores and skin, however the content material of their character.”

Or as modern-day Trump cultists, previously often known as Republicans, name it: a nightmare.

Have an incredible weekend. And Gulf states, we’re all hoping for the very best. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about as we speak?

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