Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Social Distancing FRIDAY!


Late Evening Snark: Poor Uncared for 25th Modification Version

“In a psychotic-fans-only video, Trump mentioned that this was a rigged election on the highest degree. Dude, you are the best degree.”
—Colin Jost, SNL

“The president has now positioned all of his hopes to overturn democracy on the Supreme Court docket. Particularly, he’s becoming a member of a lawsuit filed by Texas Legal professional Basic Ken Paxton. Let me clarify: the Texas legal professional normal is simply carrying water for the president, citing the landmark case of Brown v. Nostril.”
—Stephen Colbert

Continued…

“Trump walked out of a Medal of Freedom ceremony in his personal home. He’s bought the power of a TJ Maxx worker on his final day.”
—Trevor Noah

“Trump has claimed he has absolutely the proper to pardon himself—and he has many causes to need one. If Biden’s DOJ investigates, they’ll have loads of potential costs to select from, together with obstruction of justice, mendacity to investigators, and making Scott Baio a factor once more.”
—Samantha Bee

—The Late Present

“On Sunday Trump introduced over Twitter that Rudy Giuliani examined optimistic for the coronavirus. Rudy was like, ‘How might this occur? All I did was journey round maskless and use no matter I discovered laying round to wipe my face.’ It will get worse—after his check confirmed he had Covid, he challenged the leads to court docket and misplaced.”
—Jimmy Fallon

“President Trump’s lawyer Jenna Ellis has reportedly examined optimistic for the coronavirus. However don’t fear—she’ll nonetheless have the ability to lose instances remotely.”
—Seth Meyers

“The bar [on Staten Island protesting pandemic restrictions], shockingly, is in a neighborhood with the second-highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they are alleged to let folks eat or drink outdoors, and the proprietor mentioned nobody needs to try this as a result of they will exit of enterprise. However the argument that folks on Staten Island don’t need to drink outdoors could be disproven by going to actually any little league recreation.”
—Pete Davidson, SNL

And now, our characteristic presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 11, 2020

Be aware: As of this weekend you might now formally begin strolling in a winter wonderland.  Put on sturdy footwear, at all times go slower walkers on the left, and be careful for Parson Brown and his “grabby fingers.”  —Dept. of Public Security

By the Numbers:

The E-C does the D-E-E-D Monday.

Days ’til the electors forged their votes for president: 3

P.c of registered voters polled by PBS/NPR/Marist who mentioned in August and this month, respectively, that they plan to get the coronavirus vaccine: 49%, 61%

Variety of organizations designated as hate teams by the Southern Poverty Regulation Middle that acquired over $four million in pandemic aid out of your tax {dollars}: 14

Rank of Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, and Denver amongst U.S. cities that swung hardest in opposition to Trump within the 2020 election, based on The New York Occasions (Portland, Maine ranked #6): #1, #2, #3

Date of the “eggnog riot,” when West Level cadets (together with Jefferson Davis) bought drunk on spiked eggnog made with smuggled whiskey and rioted till Christmas: 12/24/1826

Yr Christmas turned an official vacation, delayed partly due to the fallout from the eggnog riot: 1870

Rank of John Williams and the Vienna Philharmonic amongst top-selling orchestral albums of 2020, with 100,000 CDs and 150 million streams bought: #1

Pet Pic of the Day: “One giant leap for puppykind…”

CHEERS to what ought to be essentially the most boring story of the day, however as a result of it entails Republicans on the state and federal degree—together with106 Republican congressmen and the governments of 17 pink states—staging a coup to overturn the outcomes of the 2020 election that was performed by the American folks with superb patriotism, honesty, and solemnity, all as a result of the racist do-nothings need the manager department to change into a everlasting GOP majority dictatorship, it is truly one of the vital essential tales ever within the historical past of our republic: The Supreme Court told Donald Trump and his red-hatted cultists to go f*ck themselves this evening. They did it whereas faucet dancing with sparklers, we’re advised. Didn’t see that coming.

CHEERS to Seal Crew 6 to your immune system. Roll up your sleeves, splashers. It is official: an FDA panel of hamsters standing on one another’s shoulders below lab coats gave the okeley-dokeley to the Pfizer (which my native TV information station helpfully spelled “Phizer”) coronavirus vaccine:

The vote Thursday afternoon was cut up 17 in favor of the authorization, 4 in opposition to, with one particular person abstaining from the vote.

Cool, calm, quiet competence. Refreshing.

America can be the fourth nation to maneuver ahead with Pfizer’s vaccine. Canada authorized the vaccine Wednesday, and the UK started administering the pictures this week. Bahrain has additionally granted entry to the vaccine.

Information to date point out the vaccine is secure and 95 % efficient throughout quite a lot of age and racial teams and ethnicities, when given in two doses, about three weeks aside.

The Trump administration has promised that it’ll do every little thing it will possibly presumably consider to assist. The states say they anticipate the rollout shall be dealt with competently anyway.

JEERS to untimely cut-offiness. Because of the truncated (“Trumpcated?”) enrollment interval, subsequent Tuesday is, for many states, the last day to sign up for a 2021 Obamacare health plan in time to start out protection on January 1st.  Right here, let me hit you over the pinnacle yet one more time with a flashy graphic I paid a million {dollars} to fee (relaxation assured the electrical energy is offered in an environmentally-friendly means, with 20% photo voltaic, 30% wind, 25% geothermal, and 25% used cooking grease):

However solely by Tuesday.

I’ll be sticking with a primary silver plan, however after consulting with my dying panel I made a decision so as to add the hospice stripper possibility. It prices a couple of dollars additional. But when I ever want it, they’ll let me pay my month-to-month premium by slipping greenback payments into their g-strings. What a approach to go.

CHEERS to Menorah palooza.  This weekend shall be considered one of dread in my neck of the woods, as I change into what my neighbors concern most: an Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my selfmade latkes topped with recent fireplace extinguisher foam.  Up to now I’ve taken out six home windows, two lampposts and a hedge with the previous, and made the outdated girl down the road faucet into her supplemental dental insurance coverage with the latter. We belief issues are a little bit extra peaceable the place you might be because the Jewish counterpart to Christmas began yesterday at sunset. Which jogs my memory…

It was simply earlier than Hanukkah and Miriam was giving instructions to her grown-up grandson, who was coming to go to for the primary time since she’d moved to her new condo.

“Come to the entrance door, “Miriam mentioned. “There is a panel on the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is in your proper. Get within the elevator and consumer your elbow to press the third-floor button. While you get out, my condo is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I will open the door for you.”

“Grandma, that sounds simple,” mentioned the grandson. “However why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

Replied Miriam: “You are coming to go to empty handed?”

Pleased Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!! Or, within the immortal phrases of thankfully-former Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: “Molotov!”

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

woah, she simply embarrased him! pic.twitter.com/p5yOzA2Byn

— ViralPosts (@ViralPosts5) December 8, 2020

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to the Crossroads of America. Pleased birthday to the house of 6.7 million clean-cut, “basketball ring”-dunking patriots within the heartland.

Additionally in Indiana’s “plus” column: the primary openly-gay presidential candidate from a significant get together to win a main or caucus (Iowa) is a Hoosier.

On December 11, 1816, Indiana (or as we are saying in Maine: “Indianer”) turned our nation’s 19th state. I grew up subsequent door in Ohio, so naturally I am legally obliged to look down my designer studying glasses at you “Hoosier sorts” as a result of I’ve been indoctrinated to imagine that your corn is inferior and also you stole our state chook, the cardinal. (I nonetheless say the Buckeye State ought to construct an enormous, lovely border wall and make Kentucky pay for it.)  However I will provide you with this: any state that produces David Letterman (Indianapolis), Eugene V. Debs (Terre Haute), Kurt Vonnegut (additionally Indy), Larry Hen (West Baden Springs), Florence Henderson (Dale), and all these other VIPs cannot be all dangerous. (Neither, apparently, is the brand new Indiana-based Meryl Streep film The Prom which opens right now.) However we do have three somber phrases for the oldsters in Columbus, the place Mike Pence cultivated his lifelong obsession with Puritanism as a lad: ideas and prayers.

CHEERS to house vegetation. Certain, the world’s crumbling round us…however a minimum of we have got the magic speaking image field to make issues higher, so cheer up, Bucky.

The night begins out the standard means, with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow unwrapping the most recent presents from Trump World and Pandemic City. Dolly Parton and Stephen Fry are among the many visitors on The Graham Norton Present at 11 (BBC America).

Bruce lessons up SNL tomorrow night time.

The most well-liked house movies, new and outdated, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, whereas the the annual championship recreation of Main League Soccer, the Furry Legs Cup, airs tomorrow night time at 8:30 on Fox. Rudolph the Crimson-Nosed Reindeer, based mostly on the tune about how folks could be complete dicks to you till they want one thing, will get its annual airing tomorrow night time at Eight on CBS, adopted by the Rankin/Bass manufacturing of Frosty.  Hummel-come-to-life Timothée Chalamet (“Dune,” “Name Me By Your Identify Until Your Identify Occurs To Be Snorknork”) hosts SNL with musical visitor Bruce Springsteen and the E Road Band.

An L.A. hospital that turned too massive to fail and Saudi residents who do crimes right here however flee the nation earlier than their trial go below the highlight on 60 Minutes. On The Simpsons, a cable-channel crew movies a Christmas film in Springfield, whereas Lois walks out when the household fails to assist with the Christmas chores on Household Man.

Now here is your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Lamar Alexander (Trump cult-TN); NIH director Francis Collins.

Or, for those who choose, at 9am Sunday you’ll be able to catch the infomercial for Aspray Miracle “All Over” Physique Deodorant on cable channel 3492.

This Week: FDA commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn; Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Walgreens Senior Vice President of Vaccine Allotting Rick gates.

Face the Nation: HHS Secretary Alex Azar; incoming Senior Adviser to President-Elect Joe Biden Rep. Cedric Richmond; Hackensack Meridian Well being CEO Robert Garrett; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.

CNN’s State of the UnionStacey Abrams; Sen. Invoice Cassidy (Trump Cult-LA); Invoice Gates; FDA commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn.

Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); Scumbag Rep. Steve Scalise (Trump Cult-LA); White Home vaccine coordinator Moncef Slaoui. 

Pleased viewing!

Ten years in the past in C&J: December 11, 2010

CHEERS to parting fools from their cash.  Financial institution of America has agreed to pay a $137 million advantageous:

“The conduct was egregious—in return for enterprise, the corporate repeatedly paid undisclosed gratuitous funds and kickbacks and affirmatively misrepresented that the bidding course of was correct,” mentioned Robert Khuzami, SEC director of enforcement.

In response, Financial institution of America issued a short assertion: “We hope you do not thoughts if we pay our advantageous with free change.  We choose to avoid wasting our paper cash for lighting cigars.”  

And only one extra…

CHEERS to nature’s fabulous gentle present.  Should you’re up late this weekend and you’ve got a need to really feel small and insignificant, here is one thing you may love: the Geminid meteor shower is placing on a present…

The Geminid meteor bathe—at all times a spotlight of the meteor yr—is anticipated to peak in 2020 on the night time of December 13-14 (Sunday night till daybreak Monday). You would possibly see an honest spattering of meteors on the previous nights (December 11-12 and December 12-13) as properly. 

Coming subsequent week: the pachyderminid bathe.

The Geminids are a really dependable bathe for those who watch on the peak time of night time (centered on about 2 a.m. for all elements of the globe) and for those who watch in a darkish sky. The meteors are typically daring, white and fast. This bathe favors Earth’s Northern Hemisphere, however it’s seen from the Southern Hemisphere, too. […]

On a darkish night time, close to the height, you’ll be able to typically catch 50 or extra meteors per hour. The intense moonlight is bound to decrease the numbers this yr, however some Geminids ought to be shiny sufficient to beat the moonlit glare.

They are saying you may want twenty minutes or so of staring into complete darkness earlier than your eyes get correctly adjusted.  Or, to hurry up the method, you’ll be able to simply spend 30 seconds staring into Stephen Miller’s soul.

Have an excellent weekend. You’ll want to get loads of sleep so that you’ll be well-rested for Monday’s massive occasion: the electoral faculty ceremoniously tosses Trump’s carcass in a dumpster behind the Capitol and units it on fireplace.  Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about right now?





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