Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Social Distancing FRIDAY!


Late Night time Snark: Science Saved Us Version

“That is superb information, individuals. America accepted a vaccine on Friday evening and other people began getting it this morning. It is nonetheless going to be an enormous raise to get it out of the lab and into the hospitals as a result of the vaccine must be saved at temperatures which are unfavorable 100 levels Fahrenheit. At that temperature the one individuals educated to deal with it are specialists with protecting gear, and that one white dude who all the time wears shorts within the winter.”
—Trevor Noah

“Yesterday it got here out that White Home staffers would get the vaccine early. However then Trump backtracked and tweeted that they would not. Trump mentioned his individuals don’t want any particular remedy. Then he went again to pardoning all of them.”
—Jimmy Fallon

Continued…

“Mike Pence is scheduled to get his first of two Pfizer pictures. I believe it is value mentioning that Pence, who’s head of the covid job pressure, wrote an op-ed within the Wall Avenue Journal six months in the past saying there can be no second wave of the virus, it was nothing however hysteria from the media. So perhaps save that dose for anyone else. The one remedy Mike Pence ought to get proper now could be a bottle of Clorox and a warmth lamp.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“They unveiled the post-shot sticker: Crushing Covid-19, Bought My Vaccine.  A a lot better rhyme than 1885’s Immune From Cholera, Now Again To A Life Of Squalor-a.”
—Stephen Colbert

“I might need to remind Pfizer I’ve been a most popular buyer since 2002.”
—Conan O’Brien

“Kelly Loeffler, one of many richest androids within the Senate, and David Perdue, a man who positively pronounces it ‘vaginer,’ have joined forces on a unity ticket, competing as a blindingly white powerhouse. Loeffler and Perdue have attacked their opponents, Rev. Warnock and Ossoff, portray them as socialists, although their insurance policies are average. If there have been something they may criticize Warnock and Ossoff for, it is for having these names and never being a determine skating group.”
—Samantha Bee

“Docs say {that a} lady has given beginning to a child that got here from an embryo frozen 27 years in the past. Mentioned the child: ‘You picked this 12 months???'”
—Colin Jost, SNL

And now, our function presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 18, 2020

Notice: Please remember that the Baldwin sisters’ eggnog is probably going spiked with moonshine.  Ike Godsey has pulled it from the cabinets on the basic retailer and the correct Nelson County authorities have been notified.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

33 days!!!

Days ’til inauguration day: 33

% of Individuals polled by the Kaiser Household Basis who say they’re going to get the coronavirus vaccine, up from 63% in August: 71%

Rank of “Republicans,” “30-to-49-year-olds,” and “rural residents” among the many prime teams most immune to getting the vaccine (the least-resistant group: “Democrats”): #1, #2, #3

% likelihood that, when confirmed as Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg, 38, would be the youngest cupboard member since Alexander Hamilton: 100%

Drop in retail gross sales in November, the biggest in 7 months: -1.1%

% likelihood that Andrew Yang has a severe shot at turning into the following mayor of New York Metropolis: 100%

Variety of theaters by which Star Wars IX opened one 12 months in the past: 4,200

Pet Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

CHEERS to metaphors on steroids. Simply days after the worst president in U.S. historical past flees Washington to keep away from the gallows, an occasion will happen in Atlantic Metropolis that’ll remind the world that every little thing he touches dies. And you can be the one to do the reminding:

Certainly one of President Donald Trump’s former Atlantic Metropolis casinos will likely be blown up subsequent month, and for the proper sum of money, you would be the one to press the button that brings it down. The demolition of the previous Trump Plaza on line casino will turn out to be a fundraiser to learn the Boys &Women Membership of Atlantic Metropolis that the mayor hopes will elevate in extra of $1million.

On January 29th, the entire rattling constructing is coming down.

Opened in 1984, Trump’s former on line casino was closed in 2014 and has fallen into such a state of disrepair that demolition work started earlier this 12 months. The rest of the construction will likely be dynamited on Jan. 29. […]

The Boys & Women Membership has employed knowledgeable public sale firm to solicit bids from Thursday by Jan. 19, when the highest bids will likely be revealed and a reside public sale will decide a winner.

In the event you submit the winning bid, please detonate responsibly: with pinky prolonged.

P.S. I retract my bid. Please proceed…

Let me make clear….somebody has arrange a #GoFundMe in #StormyDaniels title, in order that SHE can blow up the #TrumpCasinoAndHotel in Atlantic Metropolis. I am going to drink to that!

— bettemidler (@BetteMidler) December 18, 2020

JEERS to a really covid Christmas. I want I may say Individuals had been good and thoughtful sufficient to keep away from inflicting a post-Thanksgiving surge of coronavirus instances, however no dice. And with Child Jesus’s birthday per week away, Dr. Anthony Fauci might be losing his breath in urging us to perhaps, fairly please, be smart and considerate enough to keep away from a post-Christmas surge:

“[My kids] are usually not going to come back residence. That’s painful. We don’t like that. However that’s simply one of many stuff you’re going to have to just accept as we undergo this unprecedented difficult time. … Keep at residence as a lot as you possibly can, hold your interactions to the extent doable to members of the identical family. This can’t be enterprise as standard this Christmas as a result of we’re already in a really troublesome state of affairs, and we’re going to make it worse, if we don’t do one thing about it.”

Right here, to place that in blunt-speak for the thick-headed jerks who suppose that is all only a hoax or a one thing one thing deep state socialism plot, is George Clooney via The Howard Stern Show:

“This thought the place all people is like, ‘Effectively, it’s my freedom.’ That’s not how this shit works, dumbass. Your freedom is that this: You’re free to smoke till your lungs flip black, however you possibly can’t do it on the bus. And also you’re free to drink till your liver comes out your ass, however you possibly can’t drink after which get behind the wheel of a automobile. Placed on a fucking masks and we’ll get by this. We’ve bought vaccines coming—let’s save one other 60,000 lives earlier than the vaccines.”

There’s freedom, after which there’s freedumb. Select correctly. A message from this station and the Advert Council.

CHEERS to residence candy teeth-chattering residence.  On tomorrow’s date in 1777, George Washington parked his 11,000 troops at Valley Forge for the winter. The Normal knew find out how to rally his males:

“Look, all we have to do, guys, is invent central heating after making a regional energy grid and it will be identical to Membership Med! Plus I do know a terrific caterer and he’ll be alongside simply as quickly as we invent the smartphone app.”

For sure, it was a really lengthy winter.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

aww he bought a transfer pic.twitter.com/svnpn9HtIE

— ViralPosts (@ViralPosts5) December 17, 2020

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to Springsteen’s turf.  Comfortable anniversary, New Jersey, the place the official dinosaur is the Hadrosaurus Foulkii, the official shell is the knobbed whelk, and the official colour is spray-on orange.  You turned our third state on December 18, 1787.  I seemed it up, and the normal reward for 12 months 233—similar as years 1 although 232—is “bling.”  Plus: make sure to benefit from the reward of giving New York the finger this night. I imply, why mess with a each day ritual simply because it’s your birthday?

CHEERS to residence vegetation. Weekend TV will get off to a quick begin tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow doing the Friday information dump factor on MSNBC … Olaf’s Frozen Journey and Shrek the Halls on ABC … and Marvel Girl Gal Gadot on The Graham Norton Present (BBC America).

Sound of Music airs Sunday evening on ABC.

The preferred residence movies, new and previous, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the Pro Tiddlywinks schedule is here. Tomorrow evening at eight on NBC, John legend hosts the Global Citizen Prize special. And Santa delivers a late-night early current tomorrow when goddess Kristen Wiig returns to SNL.

On 60 Minutes: Pfizer vaccine researcher Kathrin Jansen on why her struggle in opposition to Covid-19 is private, and Justice Defenders teaches regulation to imprisoned women and men in Africa. And the weekend wraps up Sunday evening with an epic duel between the Browns-Giants soccer recreation on NBC, Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood Dwell on CBS, and The Sound of Music on ABC.  Invoice in Portland Maine’s professional tip: by no means wager in opposition to Julie Andrews—ever. Now this is your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Incoming U.S. Surgeon Normal, Dr. Vivek Murthy and CDC whistleblowers Kyle McGowan and Amanda Campbell; former White Home cybersecurity man Chris Krebs weighs in on the hack by Russia that our present president willingly let occur.

Additionally: Santa seems on the Sunday reveals to announce he’s now not giving coal to the unhealthy Republicans as a result of they prefer it an excessive amount of. New reward: an MSNBC hat.

This Week: The Biden administration’s Secretary of Vitality Jennifer Granholm; Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); HHS man Admiral Brett P. Giroir, M.D.; and for comedian aid, Rahm Emanual reveals as much as whine and complain that Biden isn’t choosing him for something. 

Face the Nation: Joe Biden’s Chief of Workers Ron Klain; Federal Reserve Financial institution of San Francisco president Mary Daly; FireEye CEO Kevin Mandia; Eli Lily CEO David Ricks; Surgeon Normal Jerome Adams.

CNN’s State of the UnionThe Biden administration’s Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg; White Home vaccine man Dr. Moncef Slaoui; former White Home cybersecurity man Chris Krebs.

Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Biden press secretary Jen Psaki; Sen. John Barrasso (Trump Cult-WY).

Comfortable viewing!

Ten years in the past in C&J: December 18, 2010

[FACEPALM] to right now’s Facepalm Second.  Michelle Bachmann has simply been given a seat on—are you sitting down?—the House Intelligence Committee.  Homeland Safety Director Janet Napolitano is resting comfortably below sedation.

And only one extra…

CHEERS to wassailing for wankers. Poor Mike Pence. Not solely does he know there is a zero % likelihood he’ll ever turn out to be president, however he also can really feel the new breath of federal investigators sniffing round his entrance door, questioning what he knew and when he knew it, absolutely cognizant that he’s the one man his boss, the president, will neglect to difficulty a pardon to earlier than leaving workplace. Unhappy!  So, to buck up their spirits throughout this festive time of 12 months, I requested Mike and his household to as soon as once more lead us in a rousing rendition of Deck the Halls.  Having no reminiscence of how this turned out final 12 months, they fortunately they accepted.  And a’ one and a’ two…

“Deck the halls with boughs of holly

“From the VP’s residence for the final time: Merry Straight White GOP Christmas to everybody however immigrants.”

Fa la la la la

la la la la

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa la la la la

la la la la

Don we now our g.…

Our g…

Our g…

Oh, very humorous.  Ha…Ha…Ha…”

[ker-SLAM!]

Oh, darn. They left with out taking their coal.

Have a terrific final weekend of fall. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about right now?





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