Late Night time Snark: Simply Go away Already Version
“Trump nonetheless has nearly 50 days left in workplace. We shouldn’t have this a lot time between the election and the inauguration. We must always deal with the White Home prefer it’s America’s Airbnb. You lose the election, checkout’s at 11am the following morning. Strip the sheets, go away the keys underneath the mat.”
“It got here out that President Trump would possibly give Rudy Giuliani a ‘preemptive’ pardon. Now he is serious about the identical factor for his son-in-law Jared Kushner and his children Ivanka, Eric and Don Jr. Trump mentioned he needs to give attention to caring for his family members, these closest to him, and Eric.”
“When will my dad and mom pardon me?”
“Legal professional common William Barr simply introduced that he has not uncovered any proof of widespread voter fraud that may change the result of the 2020 presidential election. It is so bizarre that they didn’t discover proof of the very factor they by no means backed up with any proof.”
“I’ve gotta say, Christmas has come early this yr, because the president continues to bathe us all with the present of watching him lose on daily basis, generally a number of occasions a day.”
“Re-establish diplomatic ties with previous allies like France, Spain, and California…..Take away listening gadgets planted by Russia, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, China, Robert Mueller, Melania, and Billy Bush…..Only for enjoyable, win Michigan three or 4 extra occasions…..and eventually, Purell the dwelling hell out of that place.”
—From Seth Meyers’ listing of Joe Biden’s transition priorities
Don’t overlook: the ACA enrollment deadline for 2021 protection through the federal alternate ends 11 days from at present. In case you or somebody you realize wants protection, make a remark to get to Healthcare.gov this weekend and git ‘er accomplished.
And now, our characteristic presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 4, 2020
Word: For these of you taking part within the C&J Prescription drugs Covid-19 vaccine medical trial who’ve abruptly sprouted a pine bough out of your rectum, please report back to Dr. Augenblick for a free pruning. (To hurry the method, please take away your Christmas ornaments first.) —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ‘til the Electoral School convenes to formally kick Trump to the curb: 10
Days ’til inauguration day: 47
Tens of millions of people that will get vaccinated in December, January, and February, respectively, if Pfizer and Moderna’s vaccines get speedy approval: 20 / 30 / 50
Variety of vaccine doses Maine was promised by the Trump administration in the course of the first wave, versus the 12,000 we’re truly going to get: 36,000
Variety of the 30 counties the place Trump held marketing campaign rallies throughout his ultimate two weeks the place he ended up getting fewer votes than he did in 2016: 25
Trump’s report in post-election court docket circumstances: 1-44
Estimated quantity U.S. airways will reap in new pet charges now that the Transportation Dept. is making passengers test non-dog help animals into the cargo maintain: $60 million
% likelihood that black ladies are the fastest-growing group of feminine entrepreneurs within the U.S., in response to CNN: 100%
Pet Pic of the Day: “Appears like I picked the wrong week to stop drinking…”
JEERS to fiendish plots…foiled! With at the very least 50 ports alongside Maine’s shoreline, you’d assume that we within the Deep State might efficiently prepare to have the North Koreans navigate a flotilla of ships throughout the Pacific, by means of the Panama Canal, and up the japanese seaboard to one of many aforementioned Maine ports, the place hundreds of thousands of fraudulent ballots pre-marked for Joe Biden could be offloaded and carried by courier lobsters disguised in Groucho Marx glasses throughout the nation to swing the election. However nooooo. We didn’t count on our #1 nemesis to follow our every move:
Former Trump adviser Roger Stone claimed on Wednesday that North Korea had interfered within the U.S. presidential election. […]
“I simply discovered of absolute incontrovertible proof of North Korean boats delivering ballots by means of a harbor in Maine, the state of Maine,” Stone mentioned.
“If this checks out, if regulation enforcement appeared into that and it turned out to be true, it could be proof of international involvement within the election.”
And we woulda bought away with it, too, if not for that meddling Margaret McGillicutty in Kennebunkport and her brand-new Bushnell binoculars. To my C&J buddies: if you ship sweet corn to my cell in Leavenworth after I’m discovered responsible of election fraud, please sneak a file in one of many kernels. With most effort I ought to have the ability to meet you and your getaway automobile out again someday in 2029. Don’t be late.
CHEERS to VPOTUS vettings. Many of the post-election hubbub has been targeted on Joe Biden’s plans and appointments. I do know it’s irrelevant, now that our plot to have North Korea steal the election has been thwarted, however for what it’s price here is somewhat replace on what his co-pilot is as much as lately. In short, womaning-up:
Vice President-elect Kamala Harris introduced new members of her senior White Home staff on Thursday, formally naming Tina Flournoy as her chief of employees. [Flournoy is] former President Invoice Clinton’s chief of employees and a seasoned Democratic operative.
Harris on Thursday additionally introduced that Nancy McEldowney, a former U.S. ambassador and veteran Overseas Service officer, will likely be her nationwide safety adviser, whereas Rohini Kosoglu, a senior adviser to the Biden-Harris marketing campaign and transition staff, will likely be her home coverage adviser.
The additions to Harris’ workplace come after Ashley Etienne was introduced as her communications director and Symone Sanders was introduced as her senior adviser and chief spokesperson.
Overheard on the Glass Ceiling Emporium: “Cleanup in Aisle 46…”
CHEERS to candy victory. On at present’s date in 1792, George Washington gained reelection. It was a brutal marketing campaign. His challenger was an actual jerk named…um…George Washington. Watching him debate himself was truly somewhat creepy:
”Thou can’st sticketh a rubber—or rubber-like, relying upon the seasonal availability of supplies—hose uppeth thy snooty Virginia nostril.”
“Thy spouse weareth the boots of a paymaster within the Continental Military!”
“Okay, okay…thou hast me there, I concedeth the purpose.”
“Then bullocks to you, I win!”
Did I point out he owned his personal distillery?
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to getting into circles. On December 4th, 1877, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph in Menlo Park, New Jersey. I really like downloading music, however I do miss vinyl. It had character. (Stated the unhappy, bitter previous Maine blogger to whomever he’d simply drunk-dialed on his rotary telephone.)
CHEERS to house vegetation. Keep in mind the times when the TV needed to “heat up” for like 60 seconds or extra earlier than it could even consider supplying you with an image, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good occasions.
For information junkies, the weekend begins tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell making sense out of chaos on MSNBC. The preferred house movies, new and previous, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. (Please word that as a result of unfold of Covid all through the league, all of the quarterbacks will likely be changed with specially-trained labradoodles.) Saturday evening SNL returns with host Jason Bateman and musical visitor Skilled Labradoodle.
Sunday evening at 7, CNN airs a debate between Georgia U.S. Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler (R-Trump Cult) and Rev. Raphael Warnock (D). No debate, nevertheless, between Jon Ossoff and David Perdue as a result of the latter is just too busy being an enormous insider-trading criminal. On 60 Minutes: the impact of the pandemic on school sports activities, and an fool Republican PPE (non-)supplier will get nailed for f*cking up every little thing, and an interview with actress Viola Davis. Lisa involves remorse calling her trainer Mrs. Hoover “a hack” on The Simpsons, and the city debates eradicating a statue of hero (and racist) “Pawtucket Pat” on Household Man. Lastly, Dolly Parton sings and passes out Covid vaccine sweet canes throughout her new particular A Holly Dolly Christmas Sunday at 8:30 on CBS.
Now here is your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
CNN’s State of the Union: Rep. Karen Bass (D-CA); Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); White Home vaccine coordinator Dr. Moncef Slaoui.
Face the Nation: Former CISA Director Chris Krebs; Nebraska Medication CEO James Linder; Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot (D); White Home vaccine coordinator Dr. Moncef Slaoui; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
Meet the Press: Roger Ebert lookalike Gabriel Sterling, the Georgia elections official who went on a righteous rant towards Trump and Senate Republicans this week; Coronavirus Response Coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx, the woman who sat there whereas Trump advised Individuals ought to look into bleach injections; Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV).
Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Former CIA director John Brennan; Sen. Invoice Cassidy (R-LA); HHS Secretary Alex Azar.
Ten years in the past in C&J: December 4, 2010
JEERS to drained previous chest thumping. Because the Warfare on Billionaires heats up, each side are claiming they will find yourself on the profitable finish of the tax-cut debate. Republican Mitch McConnell says Democrats will cave on tax cuts for billionaires. Democrat Chuck Schumer says Republicans will cave on tax cuts for billionaires. Apparently Harry Reid needs all of it wrapped up with a bow by Friday, so anticipate a lot of right-leaning “trial balloons” and centrist “compromise classes” this week that’ll make you wish to scream. If it helps, be at liberty to make use of my coping mechanism: faux you are a billionaire.
And only one extra…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. At any time when the shit will get too deep right here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA’s website to see if our new House Drive is conquering each ball of gasoline and rock within the recognized galaxy. Sorry to say the reply shouldn’t be but, so we’ll simply need to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming of demise stars and cloaked Klingon vessels. This month’s main celestial occasions embody some sizzling planet-on-planet motion and the Geminids meteor showers. This is NASA’s Preston Dyches with a preview:
Preston carelessly forgot to say one other main cosmic December occasion: this week an astronaut became a senator. No biggie. All of us make errors. However I nonetheless need that man fired.
Have a fantastic weekend. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at present?