It was to be a backyard by which Alexander Hamilton could be honored beside Lauren Bacall, and followers of Whitney Houston, Muhammad Ali, and Edgar Allen Poe would mingle and chat with these there to honor Billy Graham, Sacagawea, or Norman Schwartkopf. Alas, it was to not be. Congress ignored Trump’s proclamation, by no means allocating a dime for such a factor, and the person who entered the Oval Workplace after Dearest Chief had cleaned all his hairspray and further pardons out of the desk quietly put an finish to it. House Pressure? That is nonetheless a factor. However not this.
Anybody who continues to be sentient after the Trump years is aware of what occurs subsequent. It’s completely assured that, in bids to reap the benefits of Trump voters now outraged that they’ll by no means have the ability to see a bust of Jonny Money solely a flowerbed away from one in every of Milton Friedman, the scams are a-coming.
And we would like in on that.
Certainly, certainly we’re within the daybreak of a number of new Trump-adjacent grifter schemes to bilk money out of Fox Information watchers by proclaiming that Really, We’re Going To Construct The Backyard After All, and the one factor stopping it from taking place is that you just there, sitting at house, should not giving some web jackass your bank card quantity to assist the trouble alongside. No less than 30% of those schemes will someway contain Steve Bannon. It’s potential that the Construct The Wall grift and Construct The Backyard grift will merge into the identical grift, one by which Bannon, Alex Jones, Michael Flynn, and for some purpose 5 separate Ukrainian mobsters promise that they’ll construct a border wall out of the chiseled granite busts of Edward R. Murrow and Harper Lee. Two-hundred-and-forty-four heroes: 244 superb hero-themed border fenceposts half-buried in a Rio Grande floodplain.
These individuals are scammers and their concepts are fallacious. Give your cash to me and I’ll flip Trump’s imaginative and prescient of a Backyard of Heroes right into a vacation spot really worthy of the title. I hereby (that is an vital phrase, hereby, it is just like the constitutional sheriff of phrases) declare that we’re going to construct our personal Six Flags Busch Backyard of Heroes, one with blackjack and monster truck rallies. Bannon simply desires your cash so he does not must hold residing on a pal’s sofa. I need your cash to create an American paradise on earth.
A backyard of hero statues? Positive. That is nice sufficient. However take into consideration how way more the children would be taught from the Backyard of Heroes Bumper Automobiles. Every automobile is themed after a unique American icon. Abraham Lincoln would duke it out with Louise McManus. Amelia Earhart would swoop in from the aspect, cleansing Emily Dickinson’s clock. Upon an excellent, strong hit, the victorious automobile would scream one of many hero’s most well-known quotes or phrases. “CALL ME ISHMAEL!” will ring out when Herman Melville put Sam Walton in his place. “THE EARTH LAUGHS IN FLOWERS,” Ralph Waldo Emerson’s automobile will bellow as Frank Sinatra is T-boned within the Double Factors Zone.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was a adequate chap, positive. However would not he be higher in hypercoaster kind? There isn’t any poem in existence that may’t be made higher by placing it 300 toes into the sky and letting gravity do the remainder.
Think about a Julia Baby-themed boat experience—and picture a Calvin Coolidge themed restaurant beside it. Christopher Columbus—wait, he is American now? Positive, we’ll go along with it—has been seeing his statues torn down all around the nation, however in our theme park we’ll carry all these statues again collectively once more, artfully welded into one 20-headed, 50-armed steel beast that looms over Jonathan Edwards lagoon as a colossus.
And the one factor stopping all of this taking place is you. You jerk.
For a mere donation of some hundred dollarspermonth, you may permit Donald Trump to see his fondest dream realized: a bunch of random heads, and likewise there’s alcohol or no matter. Do you need Donald’s dream realized? Or do we now have to put in writing your title down on our lists as one of many many Individuals who’ve deserted the nation’s greatest golfer throughout his time of want?
Overlook Bannon. He is a hack. He was indicted for scamming Trump supporters and solely scraped by as a result of Trump threw him a pardon. I’ve not but been indicted for scamming Trump supporters. Who’re you going to belief? Him or me?
I can not emphasize sufficient how a lot cash we would want to lift with a purpose to make this occur. Hundreds of thousands. No, presumably billions. In truth, it is vitally probably that regardless of how a lot cash Trump supporters ship in, it would nonetheless not be sufficient for this superb monument to be constructed. Sufficient to purchase me a brand new automobile, maybe. Sufficient for me to purchase the previous William Randolph Hearst place and repair it up a bit, maybe. However bumper vehicles price a real crapload of cash, and except each Trump supporter within the nation steps up right here, it is probably that Donald’s dream will die like an eagle hitting a wind turbine, which occurs, like, so much.
If there may be one factor that each Trump’s most fervent allies and Trump’s many detractors can agree on, it’s that Trump’s base must be scammed good, onerous, and sometimes. All the Trump motion is about as much as do exactly that. But it surely’s not a bipartisan effort, and if there may be one factor we now have realized in latest months it’s that Republicans get very, very surly when Democrats refuse to be bipartisan. So we’re leaping in right here. I am leaping in right here. Trump supporters, give me all of your cash. I will use it for bumper vehicles, and curler coasters, and the Billy Graham statue will shoot lasers out his eyes as a result of I do know you freaks go nuts for stuff like that.
Let’s do that factor collectively. Simply give me your cash. No matter you’ve in your financial institution accounts is okay. It is so Donald Trump will not look unhealthy, proper? Additionally, I suppose, I will throw in a bucket of unidentifiable powder that we’ll all say is protein shake combine or no matter. Oh, however transport is additional.
Disclaimer: Cash given to me will likely be spent by me on issues I wish to spend it on. By donating, you agree that no person talked about something a few theme park and no person is anticipating one to be constructed. And what if the true Backyard of Heroes was inside us all alongside? The Construct Donald Trump’s Bizarre Backyard Fund isn’t accountable for these claims or any others.